.png)
I was sitting at brunch with a group of women in their late 20s, and no matter where the conversation attempted to go, it always drifted to the latest dating drama, the butterflies and unrealized limerence of a new crush, and passing around dating profile pics. One woman, in particular, couldn't stop talking about wanting to heal her trauma so she could be in a relationship (um baby girl, how about you heal your trauma so you can enjoy your fucking lifeeeeee!??!). It was the focus.
I zoned out, wishing for a deeper conversation, anything that didn’t revolve around THIS. Like can we talk about books? Podcasts? Art? Gardening? Gynecologists? ANY. THING. But it seemed like dating and men were all that mattered—at least to them. I did end up leaving in haste because I just snapped and stayed too long in a place that was NOT it for me. It was a place I no longer was in or ever cared to be in again.
Flash forward to work, where I’m surrounded by young women questioning whether I’m mad at them for no reason at all. Their anxiety over whether I’m annoyed or upset when I’m simply being neutral is a pattern I’ve noticed time and again. I will not cater to the insecurities of anyone! Go heal your shit, babe! Please do not be concerned about what I am doing or even for one second, think that anything I do is about you!! GAHHHHHHH!
Why is it that so many young women, especially in their 20s, seem so preoccupied with being liked, constantly seeking approval and reassurance? Whether it’s in the office or at brunch, it’s the same underlying theme: the desire to be validated, to fit into a mold that society has deemed worthy.
Maybe it’s just the circles I’ve found myself in—being youthful, in the heart of a young demographic city like Boston, where the college kids just end up staying, seeking degrees and approval in a raw elitist New England box checker fashion. Maybe this is just what you get when you’re around women in their early stages of figuring themselves out, caught in a game that I no longer want to play. And the realization hits you: I am in my own level up! This no longer concerns me and I am not in the right spaces, personally and professionally.
But honestly, I can’t help but feel suffocated by the sheer weight of this constant search for external validation. This appeasing to the Patriarchy. The boot licking! It is draining. I’m stuck in a loop of watching others, women especially, desperately try to prove their worth through relationships, attention from others, and, most of all, trying to keep everyone around them happy.
The Deeper Trigger: A Reflection of Who I Used to Be
The thing is, "pick me energy" isn’t just frustrating because of the behavior I see—it’s also deeply triggering. It’s a reminder of a version of myself I hate to revisit—the one who was miserable, unfulfilled, and often taken advantage of. A version of me that hated herself, doubted her worth, and clung to validation from others because I thought it was the only way to feel seen or valued. Fuck. I spent such valuable time and decades of my life not LIVING! I want to take my 32 year old self and shake her by the shoulders...and then give her a big hug and let her know it gets pretty awesome. And if she started now....
It’s hard to be around that energy because it stirs up all those feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness that I fought so hard to overcome. It’s like seeing a mirror of who I once was, and in those moments, the frustration is more than just about others—it’s about confronting the parts of myself I no longer want to be. It’s a painful reminder of the struggle, the growth, and the strength it took to break free from that cycle.
But here’s the thing: seeing this energy also reminds me just how far I’ve come. How much I’ve healed. How I no longer feel like I need to beg for validation or mold myself into something I’m not. And while it’s tough to see others still caught in that struggle, it strengthens my commitment to never go back and reminds me to keep living authentically.
If you've ever found yourself frustrated by certain behaviors, especially from women who seem to be constantly vying for approval or attention in ways that feel inauthentic, you might know exactly what I mean when I say, "Pick me energy." It's that vibe where someone is trying to prove their worth by seeking validation from others—often at the expense of their true self.
As someone who's spent years learning to live authentically, this type of energy can be jarring, and here's why it often hits a nerve.
1. It’s a Reflection of Inauthenticity
At the core of what bothers me about "pick me energy" is the blatant inauthenticity it presents. It feels like someone is willing to dim their own light, mold themselves into something they’re not, or even abandon parts of themselves—all in pursuit of validation or approval from someone else.
For me, authenticity is everything. I believe in embracing who you are and being unapologetically yourself. When I see others shrink themselves in order to fit some mold, it feels like a missed opportunity to celebrate their true, beautiful essence. It reminds me of the pressures we face in society to change ourselves just to be accepted, and that’s a narrative I’m actively working to rewrite.
2. It’s a Lack of Empowerment
Empowerment is the backbone of everything I do. So, when I see someone engaging in "pick me" behavior, it feels like a rejection of personal power. I’ve spent years trying to shed the societal "shoulds" that keep us stuck—things like being submissive to get ahead or relying on others to define our worth. Watching someone actively participate in this dynamic is not just frustrating; it feels like a step backward for all of us.
When you’re empowered, you don't need to beg for approval; you simply live your truth. "Pick me energy" feels like the opposite of that—a kind of dependency on external validation instead of cultivating self-worth from within. It’s not empowering. It’s self-sabotage wrapped in a smile.
3. It’s a Reflection of a Systemic Problem
Let's be honest. "Pick me energy" is rarely something that arises in a vacuum. It’s often the result of deep-rooted societal expectations, especially placed on women. Say it with me: FUCK THE PATRIARCHY!
From an early age, many of us are conditioned to seek approval, compete for attention, and fit into narrow boxes defined by external standards. This pattern is pervasive, and it drives me absolutely wild to see it reinforced in today’s world.
What’s particularly frustrating is that this behavior often feels like a setback in the fight for equality and agency. As someone who champions breaking free from the constraints society places on women, seeing other women participate in these outdated dynamics feels like a betrayal. It’s a reminder of the roles we’re constantly trying to shake off—and it brings up all the frustration of having to fight against a system that’s been designed to keep us small.
4. It Can Feel Like a Distraction or Barrier
We all have limited energy, and when I see someone putting their focus on gaining validation in ways that feel shallow or desperate, it feels like they’re squandering their potential. It’s draining to watch people invest in behavior that doesn’t move the needle in terms of growth or fulfillment.
You know that feeling when you’re focused on building something meaningful, and someone else is caught up in the drama of external validation? It’s distracting. It’s like trying to play the game at a higher level, but the people around you are stuck in the lowest tier of it. For me, "pick me energy" feels like a barrier to real progress—personally and collectively.
5. It Brings up Feelings of Competition
Let’s be real: there’s also an element of competition in "pick me" behavior. When someone is constantly trying to one-up others to gain approval, it creates an unhealthy dynamic. It feels like they’re trying to prove they’re worthy of attention, affection, or success, often at the expense of others.
For me, this type of competition is unnecessary. It’s not about trying to be chosen by someone else—it’s about choosing yourself. When you step into your own worth, you don’t need to compete for attention or approval. That’s the beauty of self-confidence: it’s magnetic, and you don’t have to beg for it.
So, What Do We Do About It?
Ultimately, "pick me energy" bothers me because it feels like the opposite of everything I stand for—authenticity, independence, and empowerment. But here’s the thing: it’s not about hating on other women who engage in this behavior; it’s about recognizing the frustration and choosing not to participate in it yourself.
If you’re frustrated by this energy, I invite you to take a step back and remember your worth. You don’t need to change who you are to be validated. You’re enough just as you are. In the end, we can only control our own energy, and that’s where we should put our focus—on cultivating self-love, confidence, and authenticity. The rest will follow.
Are you tired of "pick me energy" too? Let me know your thoughts in the comments.
🌟 Listen Now: Empowered Millennials Podcast
🎧 Subscribe for More: Stay updated with the latest episodes filled with inspiring stories and practical advice.
🙌 Join the Conversation: Share your experiences and connect with fellow listeners on our social media platforms.
Comments